Divorce

Subject: Divorce

Democrats and Republicans

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists,
Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s, but the whole of this
latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.
I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future
generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two
ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is
right, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, slate it up to
irreconcilable differences, and go our own way.

Here is a model dissolution agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each
taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides
can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy!
Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since
both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don’t like
redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the
liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA
and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O’Donnell
(you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to
move them).

We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical
companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys,
hippies, and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms,
greedy CEO’s, and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and
Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran, Palestine, and France and we’ll retain the
right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the
peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under
assault, we’ll provide them job security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam,
Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClaine. You can have the U.N. but
we will no longer be paying the bill. We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks,
and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can
find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors
who will follow to your turf (sic). We’ll continue to believe healthcare
is a luxury and not a right.

We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and The National Anthem. I’m
sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to
Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up
poverty its best shot.

Since it often so offends you we’ll keep our History, our Name, and our
Flag.

Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded
patriots and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR on who will need
whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Please take Barbara Streisand.